“我突然意识到一件事。”布鲁斯在一个平平无奇的午后说道。
哈尔陷在沙发里，在一点半的阳光下半梦半醒：“什么？”
“我爱你。”
“哼，”哈尔嘲弄地笑了两声，“我早知道了。”
哈尔抱着抱枕陷入梦乡，只留下布鲁斯站在原地，牙根痒痒。
哈尔对他说过“我爱你”吗？布鲁斯坐在蝙蝠洞里看着屏幕上翻涌的数据——给蝙蝠电脑的分析程序做数据可视化最大的好处之一就是，即便他其实什么都没干，他也可以看起来很忙。
布鲁斯回顾了这段五年的感情。他没花多久，因为这五年里他们能联系上彼此的时间都只有区区十一个月零六天，更别提能见面，甚至私下相处的时长了。
而结论是没有。
别人都以为他们两个里，哈尔是比较容易袒露心事的那个，而布鲁斯永远把所有事情都藏在心里。说实话，布鲁斯一开始也是这么以为的。但事实却不是这样。
他们刚刚把关系从床上向下延伸的时候，布鲁斯获得了第一条线索。那次哈尔刚从外太空回来，就直接掉进了火热的战局，最后因为脑震荡在医疗舱睡了六个小时。布鲁斯趁机入侵了他的公寓，给布满薄尘的房子做了个大扫除，打扫了所有看得见看不见的地方，扔掉了所有过期的食品，换上了新洗好的床单被罩，把冰箱里塞满了速食和外卖——哈尔又不做饭——，连沙发上的抱枕都被他掸得蓬松而柔软。
等哈尔回来的时候，布鲁斯预备好了柔软温热的食物，对他说：“你的信用卡账单显示，你喜欢吃他们家做的。”
哈尔环顾了这间公寓——有可能他是在怀疑自己开门的时候掉进了某个平行宇宙——，最后，目光落到了布鲁斯身上：“你真是……我的天，布鲁斯，你也太……”
最后哈尔也没有说出他到底想用什么形容词，只是在床上好好表达了一番感谢。
哈尔从来都没有主动推进过这段感情，这是布鲁斯的第二条线索。那天晚上他亲着哈尔的耳后，对他说：“如果你真的这么感谢我，明晚我有一场不得不出席的晚会，我会比较想要有人陪同。”哈尔扭过头和他蹭了蹭鼻子：“当然，布鲁斯，你想要什么都可以。”
那场晚会，并不怎么美好。坦白地说，布鲁斯只是想要有个人来安抚他的不耐烦，但即便这他都没得到。酒会过半时，哈尔扭过头和他咬耳朵：“我好饿，托你的福我上一顿还是十个小时前，你介意我离开两分钟找点吃的吗？”
当哈尔十分钟还没回来的时候，布鲁斯决定甩下对面脑满肠肥的有钱人去找他。然后他就撞到有人在和哈尔争执——这就是哈尔一定要穿自己西装的后果，被当成服务员。
“哦，好，你不是服务员，那你来这儿这一晚能赚多少钱？”那个烦人的信托基金小崽子说道。哈尔开始解袖口：“你再说一遍？”“怎么，出来卖还不敢承认啊？你自己看看，你哪里像是属于这种地方的人？”哈尔眯起眼睛冲他冷笑，布鲁斯知道自己必须介入了——虽然看哈尔把他鼻子打歪也很爽，但他可不希望自己的约会对象登上小报头条。于是布鲁斯走了过去：“我建议你自己思考一下这个问题。我可不记得以前出席晚会的时候遇到过满嘴喷粪的人。”他握住哈尔的拳头，用拇指轻柔地抚摸他的手背以安抚他。
“他是你的男朋友？”布鲁斯能感觉到哈尔刚放松一点的拳头又僵住了，哈尔什么都没说，于是他开口道：“对。”哈尔的拳头依然僵硬着，布鲁斯没了搭理任何人的兴趣，拉着哈尔径自离开了会场。
那天晚上哈尔没有留在他那里过夜，他找了个非常蹩脚的借口想要回自己家。“哈尔，”布鲁斯道，“如果你觉得我们还没到男朋友的地步，我说的话也可以不当真。”
哈尔张了张嘴：“我……”“留下吗？”哈尔看了他半晌，最终还是摇了头：“我……我需要一点自己的时间。明天见，布鲁斯。”
布鲁斯第二天并没有见到他，布鲁斯他妈直到一个半月后才见到他。他知道这不是因为军团任务——不全是——，因为哈尔期间回过一次地球，还有时间和奥利喝酒。但当哈尔在散会后，走进监控室和他独处时，布鲁斯的期待已经降到了只要哈尔别和他掰了就不错的地步。“布鲁斯……我们能不能……慢一点？”哈尔问。而他只能回答：“好，没问题。”
代价就是他一年零八个月后才获得一个男朋友，甚至他还要感谢奥利、劣质威士忌、和离事实十万八千里的午夜花边新闻，因为只有这样，哈尔才会对他说：“怎么，我不能半夜来男朋友床上查岗吗？”
布鲁斯的安保系统把它录了下来，铁证如山，是以第二天酒醒后的哈尔才没法抵赖。
那之后到现在，经历了三个情人节，哈尔没有陪他过任何一个。对，第一次哈尔远在五百光年之外，第二次布鲁斯昏迷到了16号才醒。但第三次他们都清醒地待在地球上，只不过是和达克赛德打了一架，但战斗结束时离情人节结束还有十四分钟，这十四分钟里，布鲁斯甚至没能得到一句滥俗的情话。还有两分钟的时候他选择投降，率先说出那一句被说烂了的“你愿意当我的情人吗”——即便蝙蝠侠，也很难固执过一个靠意志力活命的人——，而他得到了什么呢？
闪电侠在频道里呼叫支援，拯救被困在大楼里的民众，哈尔跑去帮忙的速度快得近乎光速——相对论倒是可以解释，为什么他会觉得擦身而过的气浪撞在胸口时像卡车一样沉重。
哈尔回来时已经是四十分钟后了，布鲁斯用红外线设备扫视了整个战场，确保没有其他需要救援的民众。“关于之前你说的话……”哈尔掸了掸满是灰尘的头发，布鲁斯今晚至少要押着他洗两遍澡。“别管了。”他答道，“那句话很蠢，我知道。”“那好吧。”哈尔说道，“我们换一个完全无关的话题——你愿意带我回家吗？我觉得你特别性感。”
瞧？这就是哈尔乔丹，他能把一切话题拐到床上，却说不出一句想他了。——虽然，布鲁斯也只是九十九步笑一百步而已。
这句“特别性感”已经是布鲁斯所得到的最接近“我爱你”的话了。哈尔没有说过“我喜欢你”，也没有说过“我想你”，他只说过“我觉得你特别性感”——就好像布鲁斯所能吸引他的地方只有身体一样。
希望不是，布鲁斯做了和哈尔一起退休去弗罗里达买个小房子天天晒太阳的全套计划，从求婚戒指该藏哪儿，到预留出韦恩家族墓地里哪一块用来和哈尔合葬。他一点也不希望当自己发际线后移，满脸老年斑的时候，哈尔会扔下他自己去泡吧，喝二十来岁年轻小伙的免费酒水。
他甚至不太敢问哈尔愿不愿意搬过来住，即便他大半衣柜已经进了阿福的垃圾堆，所以他基本都穿布鲁斯的衣服；即便他在地球十天里有九天半都睡在布鲁斯家；即便他已经可以舒舒服服地一个人在韦恩庄园客厅沙发上打盹睡午觉……布鲁斯还是会担心，如果他提出让哈尔正式和自己同居，会不会吓跑他承诺困难晚期的男朋友。
所以，他后知后觉地意识到，大概那句“我爱你”有点太轻率了。
“你怎么下来了？”哈尔出现在蝙蝠洞的楼梯顶端，“不嫌冷吗？”
“……做点分析。”布鲁斯最终答道。
哈尔并没在意，只是点点头：“你考虑上来吗？我接下来要说的话……我不太想在蝙蝠洞说。”
“……好。”布鲁斯站起身来。这就是了，这就是哈尔要和他分手的时候了，就因为他说了一句“我爱你”，为什么哈尔不能把它当成是自己做梦呢？他可以撤回吗？他可以接受哈尔的承诺困难，也可以接受哈尔不想让这段感情变得太认真，为什么哈尔不能站在他的角度想想？为什么他不能意识到，哦，布鲁斯爱惨了我，我甩掉他他会心碎的，虽然他说错了一句话，但我假装没听见就好了，没必要为这三个字给他判死刑。
他跟在哈尔身后回到了他们的卧室——很快就要变回布鲁斯一个人的卧室了。哈尔焦躁地踱着步：“咳，布鲁斯，我……我们刚开始睡觉的时候，你说，你对稳定的情感关系丝毫不感兴趣，我们只是，随便玩玩。”布鲁斯点点头，他的脸色大概苍白了一些，他不能控制，而且他也不想控制，他希望这能唤起哈尔的同情心，即便只是出于可怜，他也希望哈尔能继续和他在一起。“更早之前，有一次我们……联盟的人……在一起喝酒，玩真心话大冒险，你抽到一道题，如果你的情人对你说‘我爱你’，你会怎么回复。你当时说，你会立刻和他们分手。”布鲁斯继续点头，他确实说过这句话，但是，那是很多年以前了，当时他还很年轻，他喝多了，而且他完全没有想到自己会……会爱上哈尔……会为这句话付出代价。
“这……这其实是我决定约你上床，而非约你约会的原因。”哈尔焦躁地揉着头发。他的头发很软，棕色的发丝半长不长，在阳光下像麦浪一样，温暖、芬芳、令人放松。
哈尔继续说道：“这也是我……我一直以来都尽可能和你慢点发展的原因。我知道你对稳定关系不感兴趣，它到了那个阶段就必定结束。但是我们发展越慢，持续时间就能越长。而且我一直……一直期待着……（他的声音低了下来，轻轻地）或许如果我们在一起足够久，你会改变想法。”
布鲁斯觉得自己有一点呼吸困难。哈尔继续说道：“但是我……我觉得我坚持不下去了。我不想再，再停在这一步了，我想要更多。见鬼，我他妈刚刚甚至做梦梦到你说爱我，我……”
哈尔从牙缝里深深吸进一口气，他脸上的肌肉在不停地颤抖：“我们分手吧。”说完，他大跨步向门口走去。他本来就在门边，当布鲁斯拉住他的时候，他们已经到了走廊上。
“谢谢你的肯定，但我不会再和你睡了！”哈尔甩开他的手。布鲁斯不依不饶地拉住：“就一句话。”哈尔又甩开了他，自嘲地笑道：“什么？”“如果那不是你在做梦，你愿意重新考虑一下我们的关系吗？”布鲁斯第三次拉住他，“我真的说了‘我爱你’。”
哈尔沉默了很久，头一分钟布鲁斯心里的希望开始泛滥，之后的九分钟，他对哈尔可能给他一拳的担忧则不受控制地生长。最终他自己打破了沉默：“我得为自己辩护一下，我说那句话是八年前的事，而且相当程度上是为了……证明我也有幽默感。”
哈尔深深吸了口气：“……这是三句话了。”布鲁斯张张嘴：“呃……”哈尔转过身径直走进卧室锁上了门：“我要冷静一下，你今晚去书房睡吧。”
布鲁斯站在原地，努力判断这是否是一个好兆头。哈尔关门的动静有点大，附近几间卧室的门正在缓缓荡开，一个个黑头发的脑袋从门缝里探出来。
布鲁斯绷紧了脸，尽可能不露出任何一点表情，大步走进了书房。
等走廊上没人的时候，他要回去撬开门锁，然后让哈尔把这些年欠他的情话都吐出来。
END
Love Talk
“Something just occurred to me,” Bruce said, in an ordinary afternoon.
Hal was lying in the couch, half asleep under 2 PM sunshine, “Which is?”
“That I love you.”
“Yeah,” Hal smirked, not paying a lot of attention, “Already knew that.”
After that he fell asleep completely, snogging a pillow, leaving Bruce standing there, with a stomachache.
Did Hal ever said I love you to him? Bruce started wondering that in the Batcave, facing the surging data on the monitor. One of the biggest benefits of visualizing Bat-computer’s analyzing procedure was that he could always look busy, even while he was doing literally nothing.
Bruce looked back to this five-year relationship, which did not take him long since the amount of time when they can reach each other during that was precisely eleven month and six days, not to mention when they can actually meet, let alone the time they can spend together in private.
And the answer was no.
All of others assumed that between the two of them, Hal was the one who was more capable of expressing feelings, and Bruce was the one who stuffed everything inside him. Frankly, Bruce had held the same assumption at the beginning. Truth turned out to be the other way.
Bruce found his first lead when they started to move things between them outside the bedroom. Hal just came back from deep space, and fell right into a heated battlefield, and ended up with a concussion, was in coma at med bay for six hours. Bruce took the chance and invaded his apartment. He did a thorough cleanup there, cleaned everywhere, got rid of all expired food, replaced cover and sheets to the ones just washed up, re-filled his refrigerator with half-cooked dish and take-outs, –It’s not like Hal would ever cook, –even fluffed those pillows on his couch.
By the time Hal returned home, Bruce was there with a decent meal, saying, “Your credit card bills says you like this restaurant.”
Hal look around his surroundings, there was a possibility that he’s suspecting he fell into an alternative universe when he had opened the door. At last, his eyes focused on Bruce. “This is… My god…. Bruce, you’re so…”
Hal didn’t finish his sentence anyway, what he did was expressing his gratitude in the bedroom. Very deeply.
Hal had never proactively taken this relationship to next step, which was Bruce’s second lead. That night, he was kissing Hal behind a ear when said, “If you are really that grateful… Well, I have a gala I have to go tomorrow night, and I could use some company.” Hal turned his head, and rubbed his nose against his. “Of course, Bruce. Whatever you want.”
That gala turned out, was not great. To be honest, Bruce just wanted some one to extend his patience, but he didn’t even get that. He made through a bit more than half the gala, until Hal whispered in his ear, “I’m starving. Last time I ate was ten hours ago thanks to you. Would you mind I take off two minutes to grab a bite?”
When Hal was gone for ten minutes, Bruce decided to leave that nothing-except-money guy alone and go find him. He bumped into a confrontation between someone and Hal. That’s what Hal got for insisting on wearing his own suit, being mistaken as a waiter.
“Okay, fine, so you’re not a waiter, “said the annoying trust found brat, “then how much do you get for coming here tonight, huh?” Hal started to uncuff his links, “You can say that again.” “What, dare not to admit being an escort? Look at yourself, which part of that says I belong here?” Hal squinted his eyes while wearing a dangerous smirk, that was when Bruce knew he had to intervene. Watching Hal break his would be fun and all, but he didn’t want his date become the headline of third-rate newspapers. Bruce walked in, “I would recommend you ask yourself that question, since I don’t remember meeting anyone speaks shit in previous galas.” He held Hal’s fist to calm him down, thumb gently strolling on it.
“He’s your boyfriend?” Bruce could feel Hal’s fist freezing all over again. Hal said nothing so he talked. “Yes.” Hal’s fist was still frozen. That was when Bruce lost his interest in talking to anybody there. He dragged Hal and straightly went home.
That night Hal didn’t stay. He made up some lousy excuses about why he had to go back to his own place. “Hal,” Bruce said, “If you don’t think we are quite boyfriends yet, we could not take what I said seriously.”
Hal opened his mouth, “I…” “Stay?” Hal watched him for a while and shook his head. “I… I need some time to myself. See you tomorrow, Bruce.”
Bruce did not see him tomorrow. Bruce did not see him for fucking a month and a half. He knew it was not because of the corps mission that called Hal before next morning, not entirely, because Hal came back to Earth shortly after it began and even found his time to have a drink with Ollie. However, when Hal finally walked in the monitor room after a League meeting, just to be alone with Bruce, Bruce found his expectation was down to not break-up is a win. “Bruce… can we take things… slower?” Hal asked. And he could only responded with, “Yeah, sure.”
The price was not having a boyfriend for a year and eight months. He even had Ollie, whiskey, and not-even-close-to-truth midnight gossip show to thank for. Because only then, would Hal burst into his bedroom, and say “What, can’t a guy check up on his boyfriend at the middle of the night in his bed?”
Bruce’s security system had it recorded, this solid evidence was what broke Hal’s denial in the following morning.
Since then, had been three Valentine’s Days. Hal wasn’t with him in any of them. Sure, Hal was five hundred lightyears away the first time, and Bruce was in coma and didn’t wake up until 16th in the second year. But at the third Valentine’s Day, they were both conscious and on Earth, just had a fight with Darkseid. The end of war was still fourteen minutes before this day ended, and Bruce didn’t even get a cheesy line during it. He opted to surrender when there was only two, saying the most cheesy one of them all, “Will you be my valentine?” –It’s hard to out-stubborn someone who lived by his willpower, even for Batman. And what did he get?
Flash calling backup in comm, to save civilians stranded in a building. Hal flew to help almost as fast as light. Theory of relativity surly could explain why those airwaves hit his chest as heavily as a truck.
Hal came back forty minutes later, when Bruce was just done scanning whole battlefield with infrared device for people in need. “About what you said earlier…” Hal said, dusting his hair, Bruce would at least make him shower twice later. “Never mind.” He said, “It was a stupid line. I know.” “Alright,” Hal said, “Let’s change the subject completely… Will you take me home? I think you’re very hot.”
See? That’s Hal Jordan, who could make every conversation about sex, but not even a single word about missing him. Though, Bruce himself was barely better.
This very hot was the closest thing Bruce ever get to I love you. Hal never said I like you, nor I miss you, all he had said was I think you’re very hot… Like all Bruce’s attraction to him was physical.
Hopefully not. Bruce had made the whole set of plans about retiring with Hal, moving to Florida, buying a little house and basking in sunshine everyday, from where to hide the ring when he proposes, to which part of Wayne family cemetery he would reserve. He did not want Hal to ditch him, go to a bar alone and have free drinks from men in their 20s when Bruce was losing his hair and covered in senile plaques.
He could hardly find the courage to ask Hal to move in with him, even though most of Hal’s clothes were already in Alfred’s dump, so he basically wore Bruce’s everyday, even though in nighty-five percent of the nights he stayed on Earth he slept in the Manor, even though he felt perfectly comfortable taking a nap in the living room couch. Bruce still worried about that, if he suggests Hal officially move in, he might scare off his commitment phobia boyfriend.
So, He finally came to his sense, maybe that I love you was too reckless.
“How are you down here,” Hal turned up at the top of stairs, “and not freezing?”
“…doing some analyzing.” Bruce answered eventually.
Hal didn’t mind, he simply nodded and said, “Are you considering coming upstairs? What I’m about to say, I don’t quite want to say it in the Batcave.”
“‘Kay.” Bruce stood up. That was it. That was when Hal would break up with him. Just because he said I love you. Why can’t Hal just take it as his dream? Could he pull it back? He could accept Hal’s disability of making any commitment, and Hal didn’t want this to get too serious, why can’t Hal put himself in his shoes? Why can’t he think of that, Oh, Bruce loves me so much, it would break his heart if I dumped him. Although he said something wrong, but I can just pretend I didn’t hear him. There’s no need to give him death sentence for merely three words.
He followed Hal back to their bedroom, very soon to be back to only Bruce’s bedroom. Hal was pacing anxiously, “So, Bruce, when we started sleeping together, you told me that you had no interest in anything steady, that we were casual.” Bruce nodded. His face probably turned paler than before, but he couldn’t control that, nor did he want to. He was hoping that will arouse Hal’s sympathy, he wanted Hal to still be with him, even if it was only out of pity. “And before that, there was a time when we, the League, were drinking together, playing truth or dare. You came across a question about how you would react if your partner told you they loved you. And you said, you would break up with them immediately.” Bruce continued to nod. He did said that. But, that was many years ago, he was young, and drunk, and absolutely not aware of he might fall in love with Hal, nor pay for that.
“This was… actually why I asked you to having sex instead of going on a date.” Hal said, ruffling his hair roughly. His hair was soft, brown, with a enjoyable length, as soft and sweet-smelling and relaxing as wheat waves under the sun.
Hal panted before he continued. “This was also why I… I’ve been trying everything I can to keep things slow. I know you don’t want a steady relationship, and that’s where this has to end. But the slower we go, the longer it will be. And I’ve always… always, been expecting that (his voice dropped), If we went out long enough, you might change your mind.”
Bruce felt some difficulty to breath. Hal was not finished. “But I… I don’t think I can hold on any longer. I don’t want to, be stuck at this step any longer. I want something more. Hell, I even had a fucking dream about you saying love me just now. We…”
Hal breathed in some air between his gritted teeth, the muscles on his face were shaking. “We are done.” And then, without any delay, he strode to leave this room. Hal was by the door, so when Bruce grabbed his arm, they were both in the hallway.
“Thanks for your approval, but I’m done sleeping with you.” Hal said and shook off his hand. Bruce didn’t intend him to go away that easily, so he grabbed his arm again. “Just one thing.” He said. Hal shook him off again and said with a smirk, “What?” “That, will you reconsider our relationship if it wasn’t a dream?” Bruce grabbed him for the third time and said, “It was real that I said I loved you.”
Hal didn’t say anything in a longtime. In the first minute, Bruce’s hope was spreading inside him, and in the nine minutes after, the concern about Hal might turn around and give him a hook was growing beyond his control. Finally, Bruce broke the silence himself. “And in my defense, I said that thing eight years ago, and the main reason was to prove that I had a sense of humor.”
Hal took in a deep breath. “That would be three things.” Bruce opened his mouth, but Hal didn’t let him speak. “I need to calm down. You can sleep in the study tonight.” Hal said and went back to the room and locked the door.
Bruce was standing there, trying to decide if it was a good sign. Hal had closed the door a bit too loud, the doors of nearby bedrooms were slowly swinging open. Dark heads popping behind them one after another.
Bruce did his best to control his face muscles, expressing as few things as possible, straightly went to the study.
When the hallway is empty, he was going to go back, pick that door lock, and make Hal return all the love talks he had owned him all these years.
The End